Merry Christmas Friends

     The holidays are here again!  Thank you Lord above, for allowing me to see another Christmas with my beautiful family.  God has granted me many beautiful Christmas mornings.  I remember the very first Christmas I had with my son, Victor.  It was just the two of us since I was a single mother at the time.  I had no money and it was the first time I understood why there was so much stress for my parents.  I remember one Christmas years ago, my parents gave me a wallet and a couple of other small things.  Mama seemed so upset and so guilty and kept apologizing to us that we got so little.  I hated to see her like that.  She worked so hard taking care of us, and always taught us that money didn't matter, but that it was God and family came before all, yet there she was, stressing out.  I finally found out what that felt like when I was 18 and at the dollar store with just ten dollars trying to pick out something for my son.  He wasn't even a year old at the time, yet I stood in the store and nearly cried.  My new baby had given me a new direction in life and he was the best little man in the world.  I remember getting him 2 toy sets and a Sesame Street outfit.  He was just learning to crawl and two new rattlers and a bow on the head made him one happy baby boy.
     I am still familiar today with that feeling that I think we all get.  I want to give my kids the world.  If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have anyone to take care of me most of the time, truth be told.   They aren't typical kids by any means at all.  I go on and on about them because their strength and their love amazes me.  That love is the best Christmas gift for me and how lucky for me that I get to have that every single day.  It's truly the gift that keeps on giving.  The stress began to mount on me this past week, about the money and having to look at the bills and realize that gifting wasn't going to be anything compared to the previous years.  My chest tightens and I feel guilty.  Then that guilt turns into a bit of anger, because I keep thinking, if only I still had my job. I miss helping my husband pay the bills and having money for the needs and wants of my kids.  Drowning in all of these feelings hasn't been fun.  I have made a decision.  Lack of stupid ole' money is NOT going to steal away my joy.  Seeing through this past year and being here to enjoy these days with my loved ones is all I need to keep my heart warm.  God has blessed us with everything we need and so much more.  We have angels among us that shower us with love and gifts.  I watched my kids decorate the tree while we played Christmas music.  My son climbed furniture and did acrobatic moves to help decorate the rest of the house. Milton and Victor put the lights on the house.  I love pulling up into the driveway and looking at the house when it's all lit up that way.  It never gets old.  All of these things are priceless.  

     All of these things are possible because of God who loves us so much.  I go to Bible study on different days of the week and the lessons are different, but the message is the same and it all comes together full circle.  There are some times that it all weighs on me, the reality of it all and it brings to me sometimes scared feelings.  I want to know more and more and root myself closer to Him. I want to try not to be so scared.  This cancer scares me.  I am up late right now because I can't sleep.  My chest hurts and it scares me.  I am having this particlar pain more and more.  My doctor knows all of the pain I am enduring right now.  I am not in treatment for a few more weeks because I am about to participate in a new study for women who have my particular kind of brest cancer.  They removed one of my tumors and harvested the cells from it and genetically manipulated them and have turned them into a vaccine.  The idea is for me to have the vaccine and hope that it boosts an immune response so that my body will start fighting the cancer. I pray that this is the answer that we need and I also pray that other women can be healed from this terrible disease once and for all. 
     I am hoping that this weekend we can drive around and drink some hot cocoa and look at lights together.  We also get to go see Miss Cassie Massey in her school play.  So many other things I want us to do together.  I want to make all the memories I can with my babies.  I want them to remember how much I love them.  
There will be a new post after Christmas, Lord willing.  I wish for all of you the very happiest Christmas.  Happy Birthday Jesus!
     

Help....

Dear Loved Ones,


Tonight I have such a heavy heart.  There are so many details, but I feel like if I tell it all over again, it's just too much.  The short of it is, I'm sick.  Really sick.  The last two treatments that have been used have not helped.  The doctors are trying to stabilize me.  
I'm so scared, and so tired.  I know that this battle has turned into a war.  For four years I have tried so hard to just do what the doctors have told me to, but God is truly the only one who holds the cards.  I wish that when I pray, I didn't feel so unworthy.  All I want to know is how long I'm gonna live with my babies here on Earth?  How many more birthdays and holidays will I get to share with my loved ones? I'm not giving up or even giving in, but I'm so scared.  What if I die? 
How will Milton carry on and will he stay close to God?
Will Skye have enough memories of me to take with her always? 
I know Victor and Caitlyn are strong and rooted and for that I thank God more than ever.  It was His hands over all of that.  I wasn't the best example of a Christian and even after my illness and all of this time of worship and prayers, I still feel way less than perfect.  I let my spirit get pierced with this world and all of the crazy stuff gets in.  I want it out.  I want Jesus to consume all of me, so that when people see me, they really see His work in me.  Will I get the chance to be worthy enough to finally capture that feeling of peace with my Savior?  I want to live. I want more time to make right all of the things that I have done wrong.  There is so much I need to see.  I'm hurting so much on the inside and on the outside.  The pain from the cancer is constant right now as these tumors are larger and pressing on my nerves.  The morphine is helping, but today and into this early morning, I am feeling so terrible. 
 I want my Mama. Wishing she could just be here to cook for me just once or sing with me some gospel songs like we used to, when she would drive those miles between our house and the church all the time.  I want my sisters..and a whole day to just sit in my room and look at pictures with her and laugh and cry and talk for hours.  I want my Daddy.  I wanna go to Galveston with him to the beach like he used to do with me when I was a kid, and he used to come and get me...and we would eat Sonic and Pizza Hut all week.  Man I miss those times and for one moment in my life I want to grab a piece of those precious times again.  I want to run away with Milton and the kids to a place we have never been before and for all of us to feel something magical together.  A place and time spent that none of us could ever forget any detail of.   I want a day with all of my girlfriends, movie, couches, blankets, munchies...a movie that makes us laugh and cry together.  Hugs and pictures and to know that we are all sisters forever in Him.  Did I say we should have food?  We all do that so well, so ya know...
I know, I know...none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, we could all die anytime, and I haven't ruled out that God could heal me completely.  I beg that may be the case.  This house is quiet but within these walls are the very ones that complete me as a person...as a mother, wife, a woman.  so many feelings of wishing, but so many more of fear.  I'm tired and at the end of my mental rope.  There has to be a breakthrough soon.  
Please remember us when you read this and if you could, just stop and pray for us.  I need a healing and peace.  I'm so so so tired.
Please God help me.  I'm so weak on my own right now.  I need more strength right now so I can pull up out of this pain and fight. I ask for you to reach down and hit the reset button please.  
Friends, I love you all...I'm really not okay right now.  Not saying I'm on my death bed at all, but I am weary from all of the diagnostics, medications, physical pain...emotional torture.  
There isn't more I can say...this is how I feel....

10 things I HATE about Cancer

Dear Cancer...here are at least ten things I hate about  you....


1.  I hate that you've taken my strength and turned it into physical pain.

2. I hate how my energy levels barely make it through the entire day, interrupting my mommy and wife duties.

3.  I absolutely despise that you are a factor in the life of my entire family and children, and that we have to worry and cry.

4.  I loathe the fact that I had to leave church today because my chemo made me sick.

5.  You are resistant and aggressive making it impossible for infusions to help my tumors. 

6. My friends and family get sad and hurt while having to watch me be sad and hurt.


7. You are everywhere.  So many people, so many families, you are like the devil.


8. I want you to leave my body, if it's God's will...so that I can hold a grandchild.


9. I hate how I now fear death constantly.


10. I wish someone would take you out, the way you viciously take out other beautiful people.




There is something else I have to say though...You WILL NOT break me.  I will fight you to the bitter end.  God is with me.  I feel his presence all around me and no matter how sick or tired or afraid I get, I will never stop fighting to live the life I feel I deserve.  Your kicking me down won't stop me from getting right back up...ever.  So keep it coming...I'm a fighter with much to live for.  I am surrounded by immeasurable amounts of love and an almighty God.  It's the formula for survival..and even in the end..that is exactly what I will be.  

Putting it on the shelf...

Well, I gotta tell ya guys, 2012 isn't what I expected and so far, I'm not a fan.

I was one of those people on New Year's Eve, closing my eyes and praying for a better year ahead.  The fact is, the numbers on that calendar don't matter.  It is really just one day after another...and life goes on.  The very first week of this year, I had a friend that was murdered...the next week, I got PET scan results that weren't exactly what I had hoped for. My baby girl got pneumonia and was hospitalized, and a family member was arrested the same night she was admitted.  We endured 3 days of her in the hospital and we were able to take her home to finish out her care and antibiotics.  I was home one day with her and then found myself in the hospital...for eight days with an infection in my arm.

I honestly believe I have suffered some PTSD from all that happened so fast in such a short amount of time.  After many tears and much depression, I felt the devil was really trying to drown me.  My last results revealed that my existing tumors and lymph nodes had not changed..no shrinking but no growing bigger, however, there are two new places that are popping up that must be watched carefully.  The scariest part is that one of the new places is on my heart tissue.  SO scared.  I was able to go to the Lord and my church family for some much needed support and was able to feel instant relief.  I am ready to shelf the fear and sadness for the moment.  It is now Thursday.  I am still popping those chemo pills.  I am in super fight mode though.  I realized that all of these things can really turn me into a wimp sometimes.  This is not the person that I am.  Before my cancer, anyone who knew me could tell you how tough I was.  I was "Tenacious Tiff" at work.  I was missing God in my life though, so I guess behind all of that I was pretty weak and hiding behind an alter ego of sorts.  Now, I live freely as my real self, who can now be defined as a child of God, super mom, wife and friend.  Cancer comes with a lot of things.  First, it comes with the fear of the unknown and tons of overwhelming medical jargon, doctor visits, treatments..blah blah...It's been nearly 4 years now for me, so that part of it has just become a way of life for me that I feel that I handle pretty well for the most part.  Believe or not though, the cancer brought me to my knees..no, rather flat on my back, so that I would have to look up and realize there was God...waiting for me to surrender it all and get a real life under my feet.   I must say though, there are times when I fall, but it is a fact that it happens to us all.  I am not a perfect person, but there is rarely an hour of my life that goes by that I am not mentally talking to God.  I say that because he knows what I am thinking, so I know he hears me no matter how I communicate with Him.  If only it were that easy with people.  Like, how cool would it be if everyone had one of those little white thought bubbles above their heads, so we could all just know what is really going on. Ha! I guess some things are better left unknown though, right?  

However,  there is a determination in my heart to get it together, smile, and LIVE!  I have soooo much to live for and so many in my life that make it easy to fight hard.  I am still home schooling the teens and now I have a NEW student as my little Skye has joined the ranks at home as well.  I couldn't be happier to get to spend even more time with her and watch her mind blossom and grow.  We have had countless blessings come to us by way of our church family and close friends.  It's overwhelming and I'm begging God for a way to pay it forward and have a way to give back someway, but I really don't know if what I could do will ever be enough.  I'm so blessed and happy.  There are so many things that keep coming my way, but I am happy.  I realize not everyone has what I do.  I don't want to be the one that takes it for granted, that's for sure. 

I have a new scan in June and to be honest, I always find myself terrified when I think of it, but I know at this point that I must keep moving forward and just let things ride.  For now, my focus is on my children and the fact that Milton and I are renewing our vows in June.  I couldn't be happier to have the opportunity to marry this man all over again.  He's so worth it.   I look forward to this occasion being a much needed happy time for my entire family.  We just attended a youth benefit dinner and auction at our church and Caitlyn sang a song with her friend and I just had to hold back from sobbing out loud.  She is so talented and beautiful and it amazes me that she is mine.  My husband and I were overwhelmed with pride.  Easter is also fast approaching and it's one of my favorite holidays.  I just love decorating eggs with Skye, sneaking boiled eggs with Caitlyn, and fighting Victor for peanut butter candies. 

 The best part is knowing that we are celebrating because Jesus Christ came out of his grave and made it possible for us to have forever...beyond this life on Earth...my mind can't wrap around all the wonders, but for now, my heart is singing songs of thanks for all I have been given.  

For Clyde

I am wide awake at 4am.  My body cannot find a way to settle and rest right now.  My whole body hurts from other things, chemo, my workout from yesterday, the fibromyalgia.  More than any of those pains is the great pain that stings my heart for the loss of a very dear friend. 

I met Clyde Shavers in 2007 when I got hired on to work at House of Blues.  It was brand new and still being built so all of us newbies had to train out at Smirnoff at Fair Park.  I remember it well...the day I first saw Clyde.  He was sitting in a chair in the little room where we were training on the micros system.  I know that I had NEVER seen dreadlocks like that before.  Call me sheltered, but in the country, ya just don't see it much and none of my friends had them.  Clyde was an eye catcher...tall, muscular arms, silky chocolate skin...but that smile was the ticket.  He had a smile as beautiful as the sunshine.  I never once wavered in thought on my opinion of him.  From the beginning, he was so laid back.  He talked to everyone he saw and you could just see the coolness oozing out of him.  The crew at House of Blues is very diverse and to like us, ya gotta be special and tolerant.  He was all of that and so much more.
When I finally got a chance to work closely with him and really build a friendship with him, it was awesome.  Clyde would give me lots of hugs..and he is the best hugger ever.  Those big arms would wrap all the way around me and he would just squeeze!  It wasn't like that kind of thing that made you hurt, it was the kind of hug you could stay in for awhile. Clyde always made me feel pretty no matter what and when that job had me feeling really bi-polar, he was so chill and quick to say "girl, it's alright...here, have a hug"  When I got sick and had to leave work, it was so hard.  I would nearly cry sometimes before he would let me go, just because I missed him and everyone so much.  He knew how I was feeling and even after my surgeries, my weight gain and so much more...he still called me beautiful and assured me that I was gonna be just fine.

It doesn't feel fine right now.  Clyde was taken from us just over a day ago in a tragic way.  I'm glad that all of the HOB family came together yesterday to hold each other up.  But there's always gonna be a hole there.  When I look over at that bar and realize why I don't see him it will hurt ever time, no doubt.  
If it's one thing that I have had a crash course in over the last 31/2 years...it's that life isn't what you think it is.  I never saw life the same after I got sick.  It was like looking through new glasses.  Money, status, possessions,...none of that matters.  I won't preach on it, I'm just saying..Hug tightly, love deeply, let your heart take pictures of the memories and keep them safe inside your heart, because someday, that memory will be all you have to keep you smiling.  

Clyde, I miss you so much already.   The last time we saw each other, I got my big hugs.  Thank you for your constant sincerity and compassion.  I can close my eyes and see that smile, but will miss not seeing it in person.    I will pray for your wife and children, for their strength to carry on...and I pray that all of us that you touched, will take a piece of you and pass it on.  I know there are beautiful dreads with wings in Heaven today.   Thank you for the memories my friend....God Speed...

A New Year to See

Happy New Year to All!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful ending to 2011.  I know I did.  It was such a blessing to have another year with my babies.  Christmas is my favorite time of year and to be honest with you, I felt quite spoiled.   My husband and kids spent thoughtful time on their gifts for me, which was precious.  There were events at church and with friends where I was able just relax and have fun.  A wonderful thing happened to me again this year.  Our family was adopted once again by our Christmas Angels at Kare-n for Cancer! Candace came by and showered us with all kinds of goodies that were given by generous and caring people.  The gift cards are helping oodles and all of us smell great since she is also a Mary Kay consultant.  
The best part about the holidays were that I was just able to soak in all of the greatness that is being with my children.  I put down my camera and let my heart take all the pictures.  I must say, I am so proud of  the kids I have raised.  Okay, maybe I am a little partial, but it amazes me.  They have been through so much with me since my diagnosis.  So much maturity is forced into young minds when they are faced with something like this. Victor always finds a way to make me laugh when he senses that I am feeling down.  His heart is the sweetest.  I like to take him with me to the store for help and we just find our moments to talk and laugh about everything going on around us.  Caitlyn is the old soul and my very best friend.  It's hard for some people to imagine how a child could be your closest confidant, but it's so true.  When she was little, she used to say that God put her with our family because he knew we were the perfect match.  She was born just 3 days before my birthday and every year, we get to celebrate together.  She has always opened up to me, even if it was difficult at times, she has allowed me to stay perfectly in tune with her.  I can feel her pain just the same as she feels mine.  Her emotions run deep, and when I cry or feel scared about my cancer and dying, she always tells me that it's okay.  There aren't really many explanations, but she is just sure that it will all be okay somehow, and that is good enough for me.  Skye is just my miracle.  She is so affectionate with me.  She is so spunky and fun and beautiful.  She knows that I am sick and is used to the fact that doctor's appointments and hospital stays are things that just happen.  When she notices a band-aid, or any type of sadness or illness, her little hands fall on my face and she just caresses me and looks at me with her big brown eyes and my heart melts.  It's like she sees right into my soul and knows that I need her love right at that very moment.  I am the luckiest mommy in the world for getting to experience all of these things on a regular basis. 
This cancer has caused me to pair this happiness with a stinging pain at times.  Why do I get to have such amazing love in my life only to live with a fear that it will all be gone?  I know.  We all die and it can happen anytime...people say that to me all the time.  It doesn't make me feel better.  Call me greedy, but I want to see them through to grow and have families of their own.  I watch my friend Melissa with her beautiful grandbaby Bella.  The way she gets to hold her and how that baby loves her...that's what I want..tiny hands in mine that come from my line of love.  I am so blessed and at times I feel so cursed by this awful disease.  I have read a couple of posts tonight about women dying from cancer and I hate it.  It makes me so sad to think of those families just having Christmas with their Mommies and now they are just gone.  I would never doubt that God knows what he is doing, but I can't seem to shake this fear and sadness right now.  When I hear those commercials come on for the Komen 3 day walk, there are those clips of people who say things like "if my mom, sister or mother can go through cancer, we can walk 60 miles"...it is everywhere.  Everyone is affected in some way.  One thing that jerked my heart into tears was when the world series was going on and Stand Up for Cancer handed out signs so that if someone knew a fighter, they could honor them by writing their name on the card and holding it up during a special time to be televised.  There was not ONE person of all the thousands who didn't have a card in their hands with a name on it.  What I did not know was that my name was on one of those cards.  My  friends went to that game after getting last minute tickets as a gift.   They thought of me that night.  Ms. Debbie sent me the card from the game.  I just cried.  It seems like everywhere I turn, there is someone thinking of us, praying, giving.  I always feel like there isn't enough I could ever do to pay back all of the kindness that spills out from others.  There are more blessings than I know what to do with.  
I guess the hard part is just living through the weak moments.  I have my share of people that are doing their part in making things easy for me, but in my quiet time, it's the most difficult.  What I want in my heart is to just battle this cancer down to the ground and stop fearing my inevitable death.  If cancer had a physical form in front of me, I would start by punching it in the throat.  I found myself driving in the car today, looking across Lake Ray Hubbard and realizing that this year can either get much better or much worse for myself and the thought of death creeping in made me physically shout NO NO NO...I wonder sometimes if I am losing my sanity..but I just feel the need to scream, hit..cry.  Most of these emotions are probably just needing to bleed out of me right now so I can figure out how to fight back.  It seems like throughout this 3 1/2 year journey, I haven't quite found the right formula for kicking the bad feelings that come with this.  All I really know that is right, is for me to pray.  I know He is listening and it calms me for a while.  I feel like a stubborn child at times though.  It's like I know there is a plan for me, but I feel like I want to predict it and I really know better, but this is where I am.
I am happy to see 2012, and there isn't a Mayan prediction in the books that can take away my happiness on that one.  I am going to the gym later today to check it out.  I haven't been in one in YEARS.  I am pretty sure I don't know where to start, but I AM sure that I want to get stronger and feel better.  I now have type 2 diabetes so I can't just sit on it, ya know?  I have also arranged to meet with a nutritionist in a few weeks when I go back to my endo doctor.  
OH..and I guess I am saving the best news for last...my sights are set on June 16th.  On that day, I will renew my vows with my wonderful husband.  We have had quite a journey over the last 16 years and I just want that much more time and then some with my Milton.  He is just the other half of my heart.  So look forward to more on that next time.  I'm off to make that gorgeous man some breakfast and a lunch for his day..
God Bless you all...be well..
 

A Tough Pill to Swallow

Every time I come back to this blog, it's like walking into a room in this very private place.  There's my window with the view of sky and seasons, there's memories of my life on the walls and there's the couch that I corner into while I tell my story.  It's been a while since I've been on the couch..but I think this time of my life calls for some time to hold the pillow and get it out.

Over the last year, my cancer has been really trying to make me feel wimpy!  Starting in November of last year, I was entered into a study for a new drug/chemo combination that was supposed to help target the tumors of triple negative cancer in a better way, to help women like myself have a better chance of actual remission and therefore, a longer life expectancy. I had already been on another traditional chemo starting in August of 2010, so I wanted something that would get me well.
  I went into the holidays on the rough side.  This chemo had knocked my blood counts all over the place and my immune system was shot.  The holidays are my favorite food time of the year,and I was dealing with mouth sores.  This was not the first time I had gotten them, but this time was definitely worse than any before.  Thanksgiving was horrible..smelling all that food and not being able to eat.  Even mashed potatoes would sting my mouth.  It was MISERY.  If you know me, you know I love my holiday food and cooking.  Christmas was a little easier.  I was just happy to be spending the time with my kids.  January through May came along with what seemed to be never ending bouts of nausea, extreme fatigue, swelling, and pain.  I lost my hair again.  It wasn't hard to lose my hair, but having my kids watch me transform into a fragile person was hard.  I asked Caitlyn to brush my hair for me and it was just coming out in huge clumps, the more she brushed..she put down the brush and left the room.  My husband followed her to her room and I could hear her crying into her father's arms.  It hurt her so much to see me that way.  We came through all of that by the grace of God.  Nothing else can explain how I made it through otherwise.

When June came, I asked the doctors for some time off of the chemo.  I had been on chemo for nearly a year, and I desperately wanted a summer with my kids where I wasn't a featured ornament on the couch, begging for cool rags and medicine.  My doctor gave me his blessing, understanding the need I was aching for.  I love this summer.  I spent time with my kids, enjoyed birthday parties, went on trips to my home town, enjoyed church and evenings at home.  Late nights with Netflix and the teens was a fave of all of ours.  Those kids are the best and little Skye kept me going with her infectious smile and hugs.  It's called being blessed beyond measure. 
It was time for me to go back in for a PET scan to find out where I was in my fight.  I knew there would be a risk for increased tumor activity.  I don't regret taking the time off though.  I went this week for my scan and today I went to see Doc Strauss for the results.  I have a new tumor, some other growths..all I can do is just sit here and know that this was a risk.  Thing is, I have been diagnosed type 2 diabetic just a few months ago.  So here is the dilemma with my treatment plan.  I can't have Avastin because the FDA pulled the breast cancer label off of it (thanks alot for that!  Women like me everywhere were getting true help with that).  The subtype of cancer that I have is so aggressive and only certain types of chemotherapy can help.  I am very limited.  Doc doesn't want to give me infusion therapy right now because that comes with steroid enhancement and because of the diabetes, it's too risky.  He has opted to put me on oral chemotherapy.  I will take 3 pills int he morning, 3 in the evening for 14 days at a time, then be off for a week, then do it again.  We will test in a few months to see if this treatment is effective or if we need a plan B.  There are no guarantees right now.
The doctor has made it painfully clear to me that he is deeply concerned about the new tumor that popped up so quickly and so large.  The nature of this cancer is unpredictable.  The reality of it is this...the best we can hope for now is to keep the tumors at bay as best we can.  "progression free"..not cancer free...
Now I serve a mighty God and I know He can do all things and any thing.  He has given me the gift of life and allowed me so many blessings.  I know He has a plan for everyone.  As hard as it is for people to understand, I am scared, but I accept the fact that God may have a different plan for me than living till I'm 80.  I have today, and hope for tomorrow.  I have my husband..God knows I love that man and his tears hurt my heart when they fall.  My kids are hands down top of the line greatness!  A gift better than oxygen.
I have countless friends and family that are lifting me up and I draw the energy from it.  I have my moments where I find myself crying, but I pull myself out of the darkness and smile and know that I am loved.  It truly is the greatest gift.
Already I am getting so many loving wishes from near and very far, from the closest people to my heart and from people I have never met in my life.  I hope tomorrow is a better day..one day at a time...right?

 I will leave you with this, a note my daughter wrote to me tonight:

Your beauty is like the summer,
Bright and Stunning.

Your soul is like an army of a thousand,
you never give up.

Your smile is like the trees in the Fall,
warm and breathtaking.

Your eyes, they are like the flowers in the Spring.  They tell a story, like a rose.
As it grows, you see the deep color, you smell it's rare scent.
Then, it slowly goes down to it's death, only to rise again.

You are not alone.
We are in this together.
I love you,

Caitlyn